her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
