Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
