No stitches, just platelets and will power
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
