a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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