if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
