You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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