Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
