This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
