I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
