Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
