If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
