I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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