She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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