So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
