Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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