I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize