chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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