i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize