I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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