I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
