Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
