Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
