my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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