All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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