things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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