they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
