Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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