Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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