I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
