I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
