its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
