textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
