I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
