My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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