That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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