i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
