If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
