Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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