so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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