I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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