i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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