I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
