so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
