Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
