What did we do last night that was yellow?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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