just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
