is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
