So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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