I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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