Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
