genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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