So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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