Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
honey bunches of taint.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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