my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
