Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We left the knife in your bed.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
