Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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