My underwear smells like fireworks.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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