I wish they made helmets for livers.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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