Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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