I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize