I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
