There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
