If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
