a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
